Not so family friendly

I had the good fortune to travel to the beach this past weekend. Three days of sun, sand, swimming in the crystal clear waters of the Gulf of Mexico (thanks for the favor of staying away Ernesto). This little trip was due to the upcoming nuptials of a bride-to-be. So this would, in fact, be a bachelorette weekend.

We shunned the risque partying, we decided against Vegas, and Pigeon Forge would have just been too much for her to handle. We kept it calm, we kept it decent, we were respectable. We went down to the family-oriented beach of Seaside.

So what was I to do as the m.o.h.? I had to spice it up a little or else I would have been derelict in my duties. Did I go to Spencers and stock up on things that should not be edible, did I go for the indecently shaped cake pan to bake up some scary monstrosity, did I make the bride wear a candy necklace and make her have strange men bite it off?

No, none of these rather tame options. I took one for the team. I sacrificed my own pride.

As I am standing on the extremely crowded beach filled with people of all ages, including small children, my bikini top literally slingshot off of my upper body. Now, you might say that since this wasn't planned that I shouldn't get credit for suddenly making this tame bachelorette weekend more interesting. But it gets better.

I immediately dive for the sand, crouching, trying to cover myself while it appears that the Rapture itself couldn't distract curious onlookers. A girl near me comes to my rescue trying to somehow situate my top back into the correct position, as in, on me. A miscommunication blunder of great proportions occurs when I think she will finish the job and clasp the two straps together. As I am returning to an upright position, she lets go, evidently thinking I will be completing the job. Second opportunity for me to earn tips occurs.

At this point, we realize that the plastic clasp has broken in two of its own accord, and there will be no re-attaching happening. What follows is an interesting ballet of two girls trying to get a tiny tee over my upper body while I am unable to lift up my arms in an attempt to not expose myself for a third time.

I did my duty. There was nudity at the bachelorette. Whether it was planned for, or even appreciated, is beside the point in my mind.