Sweet Tweets

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

I feel the kleptomania coming on...

"I am not a thief."
~ Richard Nixon

I had my first foray into shoplifting the other week. It was shocking and disturbing, but not for the reasons that you might think. Not because I was tackled by security guards or hauled to the back of the store until the police got there. No my friends, it was because I didn't mean to do it, or even realize that I had.

Picture this: I am breezily shopping at Publix. Getting supplies for a night 'o fun at Chastain amphitheatre to see Guster. I am checking off my list and humming to myself in the aisles.

Loudly.

Eventually I get everything I came for and more, so I go on my merry way to starting this evening. Now is when I miss a critical step.

As in, actually stopping at the checkout.

No, my humming, happy, oblivious self breezes right past the cashier with my plastic basket in hand as I walk out into the parking lot swinging it like I'm Heidi off to visit Grandpa with a picnic basket.

Yes, I am now guilty of shoplifting. And I made it free and clear. No one caught me. No one stopped me.

About halfway to the car I realize what crime I'm in the middle of perpetrating. I stop in the middle of the road at the risk of being hit by the angry Subaru driver that is honking at me, my mouth wide open, trying to make sense of how I have ended up in the parking lot without paying. I turn around, rush to the nearest cashier and with my face a bright red, pay for my vittles. I think I truly expected some blustering little man of a manager to point his finger at me and yell "THIEF!"

And just think, I could have gotten that wine and cheese for free. Sort of.

2 Remarks:

Tammy said...

Now, blonde to blonde, that sounds just like something I would do!!!!! It's ok - have you had your roots done lately???? It's usually worse for me right after I get my hair done!!!!
At least we aren't alone... we have each other to make the other feel better!!!!
Love you!!!!!

Melissa Merkel said...

Roots? What roots?!?!? ;)